(As seen through the bottom of a highball glass)
The government consists of a gang of men [who]… have only a talent for getting and holding office. Their principal device to that end is to search out groups who pant and pine for something they can’t get, and to promise to give it to them. Nine times out of ten that promise is worth nothing. The tenth time it is made good by looting A to satisfy B. In other words, government is a broker in pillage, and every election is a sort of advanced auction sale of stolen goods.
H. L. Mencken
“Sham Battle,” Baltimore Evening Sun, 1936
The 2020 presidential campaign will start soon. It’s probably started already. I can’t bear to look yet. I’m like a kid in a movie theater watching I Was a Teenage Werewolf with my hands over my eyes. I’m trying to get up the courage to peek through my fingers and see if the troubled teen protagonist has turned into… eek!… a Democratic presidential candidate!
Except I’m not a kid anymore. I should try to face the prospect of the 2020 presidential election in an adult manner… by having a drink.
We’ll be lucky if the Democrats run anyone as reasonable as a werewolf.
At least a wolf-man – excuse me, wolf-person – would only become a monster of left-liberalism when the moon was full.
Meanwhile, I know exactly which “Wacko Bird” the Republicans will run.
Get ready for a lot of lying.
The Republicans will lie about what they’ve accomplished. It will be a straightforward lie. They’ll say they’ve accomplished something.
The Democrats will have a more rich and varied set of lies to tell. These lies will be, per Mencken, in the form of worthless promises to the electorate.
The Democrats will promise to remedy the worst crisis facing America today… the worst crisis in American history… the worst crisis (measured by the amount of media attention paid to it during the past month) that the world has ever faced.
Democrats are shocked – shocked – to find that powerful, wealthy, famous men use power, wealth, and fame for purposes of sexual abuse and harassment.
Even George H. W. Bush has been accused, and he’s 93 years old and in a wheelchair.
Who’s next? Stephen Hawking?
This grave crisis will be addressed in the first piece of legislation to be introduced after the 2020 election of a Democratic president (and concomitant elections of Democratic majorities in the House and Senate).
The bill will be called “The John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, Edward Kennedy, and Bill Clinton Memorial Act to Ban Sexual Abuse and Harassment.”
Also, in the wake of hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria, and the catastrophic destruction and loss of life due to California wildfires, a Democratic administration and Congress will take much-needed action. Stricter weather controls will be created with more extensive background checks and licensing requirements for droughts and low-pressure systems to prevent natural disasters under the “Fair and Equitable Acts of God Act.”
All climate change that occurred during the Trump administration will be repealed.
Human exhalation being one of the principal sources of CO2 in the atmosphere, a national “Hold Your Breath Day” will be instituted.
The health care crisis, of course, will be remedied. First by providing “Medicare for Everyone.” But why stop there?
Democrats will further propose:
Medicaid for Everyone
Because, even with Medicare, you can still go broke paying health care bills.
Social Security for Everyone
None of us are getting any younger.
Social Security Disability Benefits for Everyone
If the disabled are differently abled and everyone is different, then everyone is disabled.
Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) for Everyone
Better nutrition would be good for us all. (Food stamps to be redeemable only for green, leafy vegetables.)
Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) for Everyone
The members of my family and all three of our dogs can be very needy at times.
Unemployment Benefits for Everyone
We’re all not doing a job at least some of the time, such as when I’m in a bar after work.
Housing Choice Voucher Program for Everyone
What with three teenage children and all their friends tramping through our place, crowding the TV room, and emptying the refrigerator, my wife and I would choose to move to another house if we could.
Federal Student Aid for Everyone
Because our whole existence should be a lifelong learning experience.
Veterans Benefits for Everyone
Americans are all veterans of the War Against Terror. (I’m still suffering PTSD from an encounter with a crabby TSA agent and a full-body scanner that caused emotional distress when it detected the cigar cutter in my pocket.)
Congressional Medals of Honor for Everyone
We’re each the heroes of our own personal story, brave survivors of the sexual abuse, climate change, and health care crises.
Under the new Democratic administration, all monuments everywhere dedicated to any individual of any kind will be torn down – from the Washington Monument in Washington, D.C. to the Dr. Seuss National Memorial Sculpture Garden in Springfield, Massachusetts.
What makes these memorialized people think they’re better than the rest of us? They’re not! For example, most monuments are dedicated to people who are dead. How can dead people be better than we are?
Immigration reform will be another item at the top of the Democrats’ list. A declaration of an Undocumented Alien Amnesty is non-negotiable. A green card will be issued to any undocumented immigrant who has been in the United States for longer than 90 minutes. (Jail time counts.)
A further proposal will give immigrants with a criminal record in their country of origin priority in the immigration process.
After all, America was founded by criminals – slave traders, Puritan witch murderers, and people who deliberately had measles and chicken pox to infect Native Americans and cause genocide.
Criminals are a net budget plus, being less dependent on government entitlement programs than other immigrant groups.
And crime is a pro-growth policy. For example, shooting convenience-store clerks stimulates the economy…
Jobs are created in the high-paying domestic-manufacturing sector at gun and ammunition factories. Additional emergency medical technicians, security guards, health care providers, and morticians are hired. The unemployment rate is lowered as job-seekers fill new openings on convenience-store night shifts. And money stolen from convenience-store cash registers stimulates the economy where stimulus is most needed, in low-income neighborhoods where the criminals who shoot convenience-store clerks go to buy drugs.
Increased immigration will encourage voters to participate in the “identity politics” that have long been a mainstay of the Democratic Party election strategy.
The practice of identity politics will no longer be encouraged by a Democratic administration… it will be required. A federal law will be passed mandating that passports, driver’s licenses, and other forms of Homeland Security Administration-required photo ID include the political identity with which the ID holder identifies.
RW Racist White
IB Indignant Black
OUA Oppressed Undocumented Alien
BHL Bleeding-Heart Liberal
AOC Angry Old Coot
PS Precious Snowflake
NTR Never-Trump Republican
SWW40C Spacey Woman With 40 Cats
LCDOE Last Conservative Democrat on Earth
Expect driver’s licenses to become as large as a Cheesecake Factory menu due to lobbying by influential Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Intersex, and Questioning (LGBTIQ) activists who are part of a social movement that is starting to look like a typing exercise, and who will soon add additional letters such as CMHNMP (“Checking My Heteronormative Male Privilege”) and GCOFGT (Girlhood Crush On Female Gym Teacher”).
The Department of Education will work to broaden public-school curricula and make it inclusive for all identity groups no matter whether the basis for group identity is social class (except the 1%), race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identification, or just a general sense of being lonely, sad, and left out.
All religious faiths will be honored (with the exception of those that are anti-anti-Zionist, violate policies against teaching creationism, or otherwise cause believers to vote Republican).
Students in grades K through 12 will have sensitivity classes from 8:30 a.m. to 9:45 a.m., study multiculturalism from 9:45 a.m. to 11:00 a.m., and then self-esteem until (organic, GMO-free, high-fiber, fair-traded, vegan) lunch. Afternoons will be devoted to anti-bullying exercises and sex education with an emphasis on harassment and abuse resulting from disproportionate power relationships with authority figures such as the sex-ed teacher who will be sent to jail after school.
The new secretary of education, who has not been identified – and maybe never will be because he/she/they is wearing a black hoodie and has a black scarf over his/her/their face – is expected to declare that campus rioting will be required for all students at colleges or universities receiving federal financial aid.
If a suitable, fascist public speaker – such as George Will or David Brooks – cannot be found to shout down and violently intimidate, students will need to attack each other.
“Oh, come on, P.J.,” you say, “You’re taking this Angry Old Coot thing too far. The Democrats aren’t all that bad.”
You’re right, you’re right… I should quit drinking when I’m at the keyboard. I get off on these rants… And, darn it, I’m almost out of Dewar’s…
Anyway, if I’ve offended anyone’s partisan sensibilities, all I can say is that I can – and I will – launch a rant against the Republicans that’s every bit as vitriolic the next time Republicans are out of power and behaving like “brokers in pillage” to get back in office.
Meanwhile, I’d better have a cup of coffee and sober up.