1. Drink six 12-ounce glasses of water a day
Beer is 90% water. Wine is 80% water. Scotch is 60% water. Thus 7 beers, 14 glasses of wine, or 13 highballs should do it.
2. Cut down on salt
Stick to beer, whiskey, and wine. Knock it off with the margaritas.
3. Buy a treadmill or other large, bulky fitness machine
Fitness machines burn calories:
• Getting fitness machine from exercise equipment store into car trunk 150 calories
• Getting fitness machine out of car trunk and into the house 175 calories
• Assembling fitness machine 200 calories
• Paying teenager next door to assemble fitness machine correctly 10 calories
• Moving fitness machine from spare bedroom where it takes up too much space to rec room 140 calories
• Dragging fitness machine from rec room where it also takes up too much space down to thebasement 560 calories
• Getting fitness machine back up the basement stairs 1,480 calories
• Hauling it to the dump 225 calories
4. Put your cigarette lighter in the attic and your Marlboros in the cellar
Great exercise! If you have a pack-a-day habit you’ll climb 420 flights of stairs a week.
5. Go for a run
Adopt a hungry pit bull. Don’t feed it. Put a raw steak in your pocket. Give yourself a 3-minute head start running down the block. Then have your spouse let the pit bull out the front door.
6. Do push-ups and pull-ups with weight attached
At my house the weight is attached to me. I push myself up out of bed. I pull myself up after tying my shoes. Etc.
7. Eliminate between-meal snacks
Eat only at mealtimes. Mealtimes are as follows:
• Hors d’oeuvres
• Midnight raid on the refrigerator
8. Eat green leafy vegetables
There’s a new way to get more of them into your diet – let cows do it for you! Cows spend all day every day eating green leafy vegetables such as grass. Now have a steak.
9. See your doctor frequently
I see mine every Saturday afternoon. Fore!
10. Get 8 hours of sleep every night
Or 9 or 10 or 11 – see Health & Fitness tip #1 above.
BONUS TIP: The Third World Miracle Diet
Take one tablespoon of Cairo tap water with every meal and eat what you want!
And never forget that Health and Fitness will add 10 years to your life. (Unfortunately they will add 10 years to the wrong end of your life. If Health and Fitness added 10 years to my life between ages 18 and 19, my Health and Fitness regime would make Tom Brady’s look like Rosanne Barr’s.)