Why bad investment advice?
From P. J. O’Rourke and Henry Smith
Plenty of good investment advice is available (much of it right here in this magazine). But do we listen to that good advice? No, usually we don’t. Then we feel bad about ourselves. Maybe we need bad investment advice. When we don’t listen to bad investment advice, we feel good about ourselves. At least that’s P.J.’s reasoning…
P.J. is well-known for his bad investment advice (and for feeling good about himself). He has his kids’ college savings 529 plans all in General Electric stock and Toys “R” Us bonds. “Sure,” says P.J., “they’ll be going to Skinhead Barber College – if they’re lucky. But this way I’m ‘ahead of the curve’ as an investor. Sooner or later the bull market is going to crash and everybody will be broke and I’ll be able to brag, ‘I got in on the ground floor!'”
Here are some of the investment ideas P.J. is considering right now. Take a look at them yourself – then run for your life. (Maybe in a pair of WalkShareTM shoes.)
WalkShare Shoes (shown above)
Just “untie” them with your smartphone app and walk anywhere you want! Leave your WalkShareTM shoes wherever you step out of them!
A hot new Silicon Valley start-up is pioneering this novel form of personal transportation, similar to Bird dock-less electric scooters, but without the bothersome electricity or potentially hazardous scooting. Soon to be available in most major cities.
Unprecious Non-Metals
It’s a box of rocks. This commodity – with proven value going back to the great pyramids of ancient Egypt – is trading at such low levels that it has nowhere to go but up!
Farmland for the Small Investor
American farmland has been an excellent risk-free investment, rising steadily from an average price of $1,340 per acre in 2004 to $3,140 per acre in 2018 with almost no market downturns. However, for the small investor, purchasing farmland presents various difficulties. I’ve solved them. A 40-pound bag of topsoil sells for $1.29 at Walmart. For only $9 a week, you can build a 7.3 ton “black gold” portfolio in just one year. (Or, better yet, dig in your own back yard for free.) A 40-pound bag of topsoil will cover 12 square feet. There are 43,560 square feet in an acre. You’ll be “piling up” enough per annum to cover 4,380 square feet. Start at age 20 and by the time you retire you’ll have a valuable 4.5-acre farm. Given the way farmland prices have been going up, you’ll be “rolling in clover.”
The Next Frontier in Alternative Energy
Science keeps harnessing the forces of nature – solar, wind, geothermal, and next… gravity! Unlimited clean power will soon be available from the kinetic energy of great big things rolling downhill. After all, America is full of hills and also full of great big things. I’ve been following patent applications from researchers at the University of GoFundMe and other prestigious educational institutions, and I’m convinced that gravity is where the smart money will “drop.”
Beachfront in Greenland
Get out in front of the global warming fad and make it work for you! Beautiful Angisorsuaq Island ocean frontage on the calm – not to say frozen solid – Labrador Sea is available for next to nothing… and somewhat less where house lots are under a glacier. Just miles and miles and miles from Greenland’s charming capital city of Nuuk, population: none.
Premium Bagged Air
Drinking bottled water has been all the rage for decades, but what about the air we breathe? It’s a trend you won’t want to miss. There’s a ready-made market for premium bagged air from the freshest places on earth – the mountains, the seashore, forest glades, flowery meadows, brisk autumn breezes, and dewy spring dawns. The owners of France’s most famous and iconic brand of naturally carbonated mineral water are rumored to be launching a whole new product line – PerriAir. I’m betting that locally sourced “craft breathers” won’t be far behind, making for plenty of “blue sky” investment opportunities (think A Whiff of BrooklynTM).
Inverted Pyramid Scheme
Also known as a “Democratic Socialist Ponzi Game” and reputedly the brainchild of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The way an Inverted Pyramid Scheme operates is that you send $10 bills to 10 different people. Each of those people, in turn, sends $10 bills to 10 other people, and so on. This pyramid scheme, like all pyramid schemes, is a rip-off. And you get nothing out of it at all. On the other hand, it only costs you $100, as opposed to the many thousands of dollars that standard pyramid schemes can cost you. I call that a bargain.
Hydro-Electric Cars
No need to worry about charging stations when you carry your own source of renewable, environmentally friendly, carbon-neutral electrical generation with you everywhere you go. A joint venture between the Tennessee Valley Authority and Elon Musk, the new 2020
WetslaTM is scheduled to go on sale next fall.
CounterFeitcoin
Some people say cryptocurrency isn’t really “real.” But this cryptocurrency really, really isn’t real… which makes it perfect for buying illegal things on the darknet. Because if you buy something illegally and you really don’t pay for it, then it isn’t really a crime. Right? I’d tell you more about the initial CounterFeitcoinTM offering but then, of course, I’d have to kill you.
