December 24, 2020
Dear readers,
We wish you joy whatever you’re celebrating this holiday season – Christmas, Hanukkah, Buddha’s Enlightenment Day, Pancha Ganapati in honor of Ganesha the Hindu God of wisdom, Winter Solstice, Saturnalia, Festivus, or just getting through 2020.
Let us stipulate that Santa Claus is ecumenical, universal, and all-inclusive and that he comes to everybody’s house (as long as you’ve been nice and not naughty). Never mind if you’re in a grass shack or an igloo with no chimneys available, Santa will find a way…
To be on the safe side this year, the reindeer are wearing N95 bridles, sleigh runners have been sterilized, and the jolly fat man is wearing a hazmat suit.
May he bring you and all your friends and relatives back together again with handshakes, hugs, and kisses.
But be careful when you pull on that stocking hung from the mantle. There is (ouch!) a hypodermic needle full of COVID-19 vaccine in the toe. At least we hope there is.
And among the other presents you’ll be getting is a great big THANK YOU from the writers and staff at American Consequences.
Happy Holidays!
Note: We are not publishing tomorrow, December 25. Your next American Consequences e-mail will hit your inbox Saturday morning, December 26.
Baby, It’s COVID Outside…
We’re Singing a Different Tune This Christmas
It’s Christmas 2020 and we’ve lost the plot… This year, none of our favorite Christmas traditions make any sense.
This year, the Grinch doesn’t steal Christmas. The Whos down in Whoville are having a super-spreader event and a bitterly contested election for mayor of Whoville, plus they’re rioting for social justice. “Cindy Lou Who Matters.” The Grinch wants no part of any of it and stays in his cave on Mt. Crumpit with his loyal dog Max. Not that the Grinch has much choice anyway, what with Whoville being under strict emergency stay-at-home orders.
Also, don’t bother to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. Charlie Brown’s friends get together to tell him the true meaning of Christmas… thereby infecting all their households with COVID-19. Everybody’s grandparents wind up in the ICU. And Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree gets stolen by looters.
Likewise, you can close the book on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Bob Cratchit is working from home and can set his own hours. Jacob Marley’s ghost is wearing an N95 mask and Scrooge can’t understand a word he’s saying. And the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is busy distributing a coronavirus vaccine. Too late, alas, for Tiny Tim, who has a comorbidity.
And forget reciting “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.”
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
He’s not an antifa vandal, apparently, because most of them are vegans and don’t wear fur. But he could be a member of some lunatic alt-right militia… Anyway, better shoot him.
But worst of all, Christmas music grates on our nerves this year. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – emphasis on little. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – way too true. “Feliz Navidad” – wasn’t The Wall supposed to put an end to this sort of thing? And we can’t go out caroling, but if we did, we’d be singing “Stay Home All Ye Faithful.”
What we need are some songs to suit the temper (I’m about to lose mine) of the times and capture the (lousy) spirit of holiday season 2020…
To the tune of
“Frosty the Snowman”
Fauci the “no” man was an immunologist
With predictions dire and a look of ire
He’s a frequent TV guest
There must be some magic in
The masks he makes us wear
‘Cause till now the NIH
Was what? We didn’t care
Experts on infectious
Diseases rarely see
This kind of attention
On MSNBC
Fauci the showman, now he’s having lots of fun
Until Covid’s gone and the world moves on
Then his time in the limelight’s done
Fauci the “no” man
He had to go away
But as he passed
He said, “Not so fast –
Coronavirus will be back one day!”
To the tune of
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t hear me whine
To the CDC hotline
The police came to our house
Mom and Santa face a fine
Recommended Reading: 
A Massive Wave of Bankruptcies is Coming
A major shock is coming to the U.S. financial system. The election results won’t matter (but a long court battle or a wave of riots could make things MUCH worse). Months of stock gains could go up in smoke. But there’s an easy way to make sure your money and prospective gains are LEGALLY-PROTECTED. The last time something similar happened you could have seen 772% gains. A real reader explains how he does it, in plain English, right here.
To the tune of
“White Christmas”
I’m dreaming of a vote recount
One like we’ve never had before
Where the media listens
About ballots missin’
That would have made my tally more
I’m dreaming of a vote recount
With every court case that I file
May the polls be off by a mile
And may I stay president for a while
To the tune of
“Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”
You better cash out
You shouldn’t invest
You better get a Cayman Islands bank account
And bury the rest
Joe Biden is coming to town
He’s making a list,
He’s counting your bling,
He’s gonna find out who’s rich or Right-wing
Joe Biden is coming to town
He knows what you’ve been thinking
He’s checked you with “The Squad”
He knows if you wear a MAGA cap
Better give political correctness a nod
You better hide your guns
You better wear a mask
You better donate Joe some funds
Why? You don’t even have to ask
‘Cause Joe Biden is coming to town
To the tune of
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very runny nose
And anyone who saw it
Knew he had a viral dose
All of the other reindeer
Used hoof sanitizer to prevent
Rudolph from getting near them
Even at a Trump event
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa told them all
“Can’t social distance with my sleigh
Christmas is locked down anyway.”
Then how the reindeer shunned him
As they began to rant and spew
“Rudolph the Runny-Nosed Reindeer
We’re eating you for Christmas stew”
To the tune of
“The Twelve Days of Christmas”
On the twelfth day of peaceful protests
My looting got for me…
12 Oxycodone
11 Rémy Martin
10 Apple iPhones
9 Rolex watches
8 Gucci backpacks
7 Fendi T-shirts
6 Prada handbags
5 carat ring
4 Nike sneakers
3 handguns
2 ATMs
And a Cadillac Escalade
To the tune of
“We Three Kings”
We three kings of Orient are
Eating bats in a Wuhan bazaar…
(Sorry… Parody was cut short by the fact that no one can ever remember the rest of the words to this Christmas carol.)
To the tune of
“Auld Lang Syne”
Should 2020 be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should voting, riots, Covid be
To trash can bin consigned?
To hell with last year, my dear
Erase it chapter and verse
We’ll take a cup o’ 80 proof
2021 can’t be worse!
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Regards,
P.J. O’Rourke
Editor in Chief, American Consequences
With Editorial Staff
December 24, 2020
